Written by Carla Robinson, Submitted to The COGBF Personal Life Team  

Sometimes, when I look back over my life, and it seems like being abused was a bad dream.  Well, it seems that way sometimes because God healed me from the trauma of sexual abuse.  In reality, being abused was a journey through my tears and a process of who God created me to be. I was 15-years-old when the abuse started. He befriended the family, and was the life of the party. The trust in this person was gained because of who he was, and my family trusted him.

He would make inappropriate comments, but I thought nothing of it, because I never thought in a million years that he would hurt me.  As he made that hurtful move on this particular day, my world changed. He lured me into a room alone and said, “Let me show you how a grown man feels.” My virginity is something I truly cherished and cannot have back.

He was so close that I inhaled every grass stain he encountered that day. The smell of beer on his breath flooded my stomach until I started to gag. The feeling of the most horrible violation encounter made me sick.  The sight of my future was becoming dark right before my eyes; can you see it?  With each second, a horrible memory was being created.  My life began fading black at that very moment.

The abuse and fear lasted over four years. He used verbal abuse and mind control to manipulate me. I felt that no one would believe me. Then it started to lead to physical. It was so much hurt that came behind the abuse that I endured.

He was so well trusted that he knew the exact times I was alone, and how to make his move. Family is supposed to love you, not hurt you. The manipulation was so real that I thought I would end up hurt if I wouldn’t obey. Sometimes, it came through calls or in person.  The emotion that was flowing through me made me numb. I felt my life was over, and I was dead to the world. Filthy, hurt, no understanding, confusion, useless and loveless was me at that time. The trauma behind this abuse really got the best of me. I lost who I was and hid behind my smile for years. I cried myself to sleep for years wishing God would take this pain away from me. Many years I was confused trying to figure out why God allowed this to happen to me.

It all ended when I really just couldn’t endure anymore - no matter what he said to me. I reached a point after I went off to college that I wanted to kill myself or run away. Many mornings, I kept contemplating whom can I share this with to save my life? One of my friends called me - checking up on me, and I broke down. One morning while getting dressed for class, my life changed. I was listening to the gospel radio station, and this song turned up to full blast on its own. The song was, ”Holy Holy Holy by Donnie McClurkin.” That was a clear sign that God was with me, and that He had not forgotten about me. I decided to share the story with my family, which started the healing process.

My most powerful advice is that when you start to see uncomfortable signs that can lead to abuse, speak up and speak out! Say something as soon as it happens. This will save a lot of pain. Most importantly, if you are in a situation, find someone you can trust to share the situation. Getting it off your chest is important.  By getting it out in the open, you will start the healing process.  You need to pray, read your word and to stay grounded in God.  Focusing on God will keep you from losing your mind. God is the one that can heal your heart and soul. Healing is not an easy process. But through prayer and time, God will heal your body, mind and soul.  God has all power. Also, report the abuse to a trust worthy adult that will take action. Report it to your teacher, pastor, leader, police officer or parents. Someone needs to hear it; you don’t deserve to be hurt.

If I didn’t have God, I would have lost my mind. Crying was my new best friend, and smiling was my mask. Sometimes, I got so angry with him. I lost all hope. God had to strip me from everything to get me to see that He still loves me and has not forgotten about me. Putting Him first and realizing I gained strength for where He was taking me was needed. He showed me a way; peace, love healing and happiness all came from God. Those trauma tears I once had are now happy tears.

God loves you and wants the best for you. Remember to speak up speak out!!  If you need help, contact the professionals here: Watch my story below:    

Her website: www.Goodmorningpraise.com