• Home
  • Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Make the “Love-Based” Decision to: Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries.
Remember: Charity begins at home.  AND our first home is our own heart!

Written by Lady Monique Jordan: Dul State West District

Before we begin this lesson about boundaries we want you to know that you are already loved and esteemed highly by God! The issues we are addressing are not about salvation. They are more about living a life of liberty in Christ. It might seem odd, but setting good boundaries actually sets us free, give us more time, addresses our anxiety, and places the yoke of life back into God’s hands. Setting healthy boundaries inhibits Satan’s ability to run roughshod into our life, and  It hinders Satan’s goal; which is to take back ground that Jesus has already won for you by dying on the cross. So take a peek at this lesson to see if it is something you would benefit from.

Dictionary Definitions of Boundaries

Boundaries: something (such as a river, a fence, or an imaginary line) that shows where one area ends and another area begins
: a point or limit that indicates where two things become different



Unofficial rules about what should not be done: limits that define acceptable behavior.

When do we as Christians need to set loving boundaries for ourselves?

  1. When we want to do what we want to do and God is saying something different.
  2. When we've tried our best to intervene in a bad situation and other people just won't change.
  3. When there's so much in front of us that we don't know where to begin.
  4. When the enemy is screaming in one ear and the Lord it's whispering in the other.
  5. When upbringing taught us one thing and our new relationship and new birth in Christ taught us another.

When will we know that we are setting healthy Boundaries for ourselves?

  1. When we begin to let our yes be yes and our no be no.
  2. When we begin to make what God says more important than what man says... even more important than what we think.
  3. When we become conscious of our actions and thoughts and bring them into captivity to the obedience of Christ.
  4. When we begin to recognize OUR role in the triangle of futility
  5. When we are taking God's advice more and more, and using it repeatedly.
  6. When we establish wholesome rituals for our lives that we maintain regardless.
  7. When we give God what is God's and shoulder our own yolk. (The Lord said my yoke is easy and my burden is light.)
  8. When I choose prayer over futile conversation; praise over pity; and worship over victimhood.
  9. When I begin to allow the chastening of God to represent my place in his kingdom instead of my position in the enemy’s camp.
  10. How can I ensure that boundaries I am setting are effective?

When I choose to learn about the past, (the path forged by my ancestors), to inform my present; and then mindfully use that information to inspire my future inclinations; which would be: continue to challenge unsuccessful habits, and value, introduce, reinforce, and celebrate the effective strategies of my ancestors”... while I yet live.

What does “good boundary setting” look like in my family?

  1. It looks like me setting the example for my children.
  2. It looks like me saying, "Do what I do." not just do what I say.
  3. It looks like me knowing and sharing that "Through Christ, you can choose life and avoid suffering the consequences of wrong choices.

How can I tell that I’m on the right track for setting healthy, loving, boundaries with significant others?

  1. When I make sure that my loved ones know that they have a choice to do what is right.
  2. When I choose not to rush into any drama triangle but wait on God's appointed time to prayerfully intervene.
  3. When I choose to use wisdom over action by first consulting, then obeying the Holy Spirit.
  4. When I share the appropriate portions of the “meat of the word” by sharing such as, “We will suffer, but it's better to suffer for righteousness sake than for pride, disobeying God, and listening to the wrong voice(s).”

Errors that can occur when learning to set boundaries

  1. Sometimes we place boundaries in the wrong spot: Like “Pavlov's dog,” we go around protecting and reproducing what people (with good, or bad, intentions) trained in to do.
  2. Sometimes we forget that the Holy Spirit is a silent internal weapon. So we resort to poking around in the devil’s toolbox for ways to solve spiritual problems.
  3. Sometimes we rely too heavily on traditions instead of God’s voice  (human advice can only go so far.)
  4. Sometimes we underutilize the Holy Spirit, which is our unfailing personal trainer.
  5. In summary: Unfortunately, we often put a boundary on the Holy Spirit's ability to guide us and then give people all kinds of access to our minds. That's backward. 

Instead!

We need to practice giving God's Holy Spirit full reign of our heart and mind,  and at the same time practice setting strong healthy boundaries around the amount of access people have to our heart and mind. When we choose to make these adjustments our lives will change in drastic miraculous ways. When God can trust us to be meek in his hands we have consequently activated what I call “ the soul prosperity process.”  This is  a space where: We may not get exactly what we were looking for, but what we will receive will be above and beyond all that we could ask or think.

Questions:
  1. What stood out for you?
  2. What are some of the rewards for not setting appropriate boundaries?

Possible answers:

  • I get to be seen as the “good/cool” person in the group
  • I don't have to confront 
  • Others fight my battles for me.
  • I don't have to say no.
  • I get to be a victim.
  • I get to tell wonderful stories about my out of control life.
  1. What do I gain by setting appropriate boundaries?
  2. What is one area that I am good at when it comes to setting healthy boundaries?
  3. Where can I improve! When will I begin?

Pictured left: “The Boundary Whisperer” a contributor from Tacoma Washington, Sylvia Burton

Resources

Books:

  1. Why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft
  2. Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero

 Scripture References:

  • Acts 5:29 - Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, “We ought to obey God rather than men.”
  • Joshua 24:14-15 King James Version:

14 Now therefore fear the Lord, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the Lord.15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Matthew 22:36-40King James Version (KJV)

36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.38 This is the first and great commandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Luke 10:27 And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself.